What To Say To Someone Who Is Infertile

Infertility can be an incredibly difficult and sensitive topic for anyone to navigate, especially when it involves someone close to you. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or a colleague, knowing what to say (and what not to say) can make a huge difference. While offering support to someone who is dealing with infertility, your words have the power to either provide comfort or add to their emotional distress.

In this article, we’ll explore what to say to someone who is infertile, providing suggestions based on expert knowledge of the emotional, psychological, and physiological challenges infertility brings. We’ll also discuss common phrases to avoid and offer insights on how to best approach these delicate conversations.

Understanding Infertility: The Emotional Toll

Before diving into what to say, it’s important to first understand what infertility truly means. Infertility is a medical condition where a person is unable to conceive after a year of regular, unprotected sex. For women, this condition may arise due to a variety of factors such as hormonal imbalances, blocked fallopian tubes, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), or issues with the uterus. For men, infertility is often related to problems with sperm count, quality, or motility, but other factors like stress, environmental toxins, and age can also affect fertility.

The emotional toll of infertility is profound. It can create feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, isolation, and a sense of loss. Those dealing with infertility often feel like their body is failing them, leading to deep emotional struggles. It’s crucial to approach conversations with a sense of empathy and understanding, recognizing that infertility affects not only physical health but also mental and emotional well-being.

Offer Empathy, Not Solutions

One of the most common mistakes people make when talking to someone with infertility is offering unsolicited solutions or advice. While the intention may be good, it can come across as dismissive of the other person’s pain and can inadvertently place pressure on them. Infertility is a complex issue, and what works for one person may not work for another. Therefore, it’s important to avoid telling someone what they should do or giving advice about treatments unless they specifically ask for it.

Instead of trying to fix the situation, the best approach is to listen. Sometimes, what a person with infertility needs most is someone who can just listen to their feelings and offer a safe, non-judgmental space for expression. Show that you are there for them, that you care, and that you are willing to support them no matter what.

Words of Support and Encouragement

While offering empathy is crucial, it’s also important to offer words of support and encouragement that acknowledge the difficulty of the journey without invalidating their experience. Here are some examples of things you can say:

“I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
This simple statement acknowledges the hardship the person is facing without minimizing their feelings. It offers validation and shows that you are empathetic to their pain.
“I’m here for you, no matter what.”
Offering unconditional support is one of the most comforting things you can say. This reinforces that you will stand by them through the ups and downs, no matter how long the journey may take.
“It’s okay to feel sad, angry, frustrated, or whatever emotions you’re feeling.”
Infertility often brings a flood of conflicting emotions, including anger, sadness, and even hopelessness. Giving the person permission to feel whatever they are feeling without judgment can be a huge relief.
“You are not alone.”
Reminding someone that they are not alone in their struggle can bring comfort. Many people dealing with infertility feel isolated, but knowing that others are also facing similar challenges can help them feel understood and supported.
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I am here for you.”
While you may not be able to fully understand the depth of their pain, acknowledging that their experience is unique and validating their struggle can be powerful.

Be Mindful of What Not to Say

While offering the right words of support can help, certain comments can unintentionally hurt or add to the emotional strain someone with infertility is already experiencing. Here are some phrases to avoid:

“You’re still young, you have time.”
Although this statement may seem reassuring, it can come across as dismissive of the person’s experience. Infertility can affect people of all ages, and the frustration of feeling like time is running out can be a huge emotional burden for those facing infertility.
“Just relax, it’ll happen when you stop stressing.”
Infertility is not as simple as relaxing and waiting for it to happen. This statement may imply that the person is somehow to blame for their infertility because they are stressed, which is not true. Stress may affect fertility, but it is not the root cause of infertility.
“Have you tried (insert unsolicited advice here)?”
While you may mean well, giving unsolicited advice can feel invasive. If the person hasn’t asked for advice, it’s best to avoid offering solutions. Instead, let them guide the conversation if they’re open to talking about treatment options or other steps they’ve taken.
“You can always adopt.”
While adoption is a wonderful option for many, saying this too early or out of context can feel like you are rushing them to move on from their grief. The journey of infertility can be long and painful, and the decision to adopt (or not) is something that should come from the person themselves, not from external pressure.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
This phrase may be intended to offer comfort, but it can come across as minimizing the very real pain that someone is feeling. It suggests that the person’s suffering has some greater purpose, which may not be helpful or comforting during such a challenging time.

Offer Help in Practical Ways

While emotional support is essential, sometimes offering help in a more practical manner can also be beneficial. This could include offering to help with everyday tasks that may feel overwhelming due to the emotional toll of infertility. For instance:

“I’m happy to help you with groceries, chores, or anything else you need.”
A simple offer of practical support can go a long way in helping the person feel cared for. Infertility treatments and emotional struggles often lead to exhaustion, so any assistance with daily tasks can offer relief.
“Let me know if you need company or just want to talk.”
The offer to spend time together can make a huge difference. Sometimes, people dealing with infertility need distraction or a safe space to vent. Letting them know that you are available can alleviate feelings of isolation.

Be Sensitive About Announcements

Infertility can heighten sensitivity to pregnancy announcements. If you know someone is struggling with infertility, be mindful of how and when you share your own news about pregnancy. While it’s important to celebrate positive milestones in life, try to approach the conversation with understanding and sensitivity, especially if you know the person is struggling.

If you need to share your pregnancy news, it’s best to do so privately and in a way that gives the person space to react as they see fit. Allow them to process their feelings without feeling pressured to respond immediately.

Acknowledging and Supporting the Journey

Infertility is not just a medical condition; it is a journey that affects the whole person—physically, emotionally, and psychologically. If you know someone who is going through this journey, be patient. Recognize that the process can take time, and there will be highs and lows. Being there for them through each stage and offering your support will be one of the most valuable things you can do.

Infertility may be a difficult topic to discuss, but it is possible to offer love, support, and empathy. The key is to let the person guide the conversation, validate their feelings, and refrain from offering unsolicited advice. If you’re unsure of what to say, remember that sometimes just being there and listening is the best thing you can do.

Conclusion

In conclusion, talking to someone with infertility requires sensitivity, compassion, and an understanding of the emotional toll that infertility takes. Offering empathy and support is essential, and it’s crucial to avoid making assumptions or giving unsolicited advice. By being mindful of the words you choose, offering practical help, and allowing the person to take the lead in the conversation, you can provide meaningful support during this challenging time.