Gemma Cook, a woman from Lowestoft, is sharing her deeply personal journey of infertility during National Fertility Week (November 4-8) to raise awareness of the profound impact fertility struggles can have on mental health. After years of trying to conceive, Gemma’s story sheds light on the emotional challenges that come with infertility and the importance of support during the journey.
Gemma and her husband Paul began trying for a baby a decade ago, and for years, their efforts were met with disappointment. One particularly difficult Christmas stands out in her memory, when the weight of infertility became overwhelming. “A number of my friends were expecting babies – one even with her second – and I just went downhill,” Gemma recalls. “It was my worst Christmas ever. I felt completely helpless, out of control, and isolated in my own life.”
The emotional toll of infertility was not just about wanting a child, but about the sense of family she longed to build. “It was about making my parents grandparents,” Gemma shares, reflecting on the deep emotional ache of feeling “left behind” while others started families. Despite her happiness for her friends, Gemma could not escape the sadness of not having children herself.
National Fertility Week, spearheaded by the charity Fertility Network UK, is focusing this year on the mental health impacts of fertility issues. The campaign aims to highlight the psychological effects of infertility, including what experts call “infertility-related trauma.” This trauma can manifest in feelings of loss, grief, and isolation, and, as Gemma’s story illustrates, it can be incredibly difficult to navigate without proper support.
After undergoing tests, Gemma and Paul were referred for IVF treatment at Bourn Hall Clinic in Norwich. Their first round of IVF was unsuccessful, and the emotional fallout from that failure was profound. When their second round resulted in a pregnancy, Gemma did not initially react as she had hoped. “I wanted to jump for joy, but instead, I was filled with anxiety and fear. I was disappointed in my own reaction, but I couldn’t fully trust it after our previous failure.”
The stress of infertility was compounded by the emotional strain of interacting with others who were pregnant. Gemma recalls a heartbreaking moment with her best friend, who was several months pregnant at the time. “She was so guilty about her pregnancy bump touching me—it was devastating.”
Jackie Stewart, an independent fertility counsellor at Bourn Hall, explains the emotional challenges that come with infertility. “The yearning for a child creates a profound sense of loss and anxiety. This grief can grow over time and is often accompanied by feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, and hopelessness. Fertility support groups, like those offered by Fertility Network UK, provide a much-needed space for individuals to connect with others who truly understand their emotions.”
Gemma and Paul’s journey took a positive turn when they welcomed twins Ottilie and Felix in April 2019, following their successful IVF treatment. However, even after this joy, the emotional scars of infertility lingered. “When we decided to try for another baby, I walked into the clinic and had a panic attack. I was so afraid of failing again,” Gemma admits. “It took me a year to feel ready for treatment again, but I told myself to trust the process, knowing I had a positive outcome before.”
The couple’s third child, Louis, born in July 2023, was what Gemma calls her “bonus baby.” The timing of his arrival brought additional emotional significance, as the day she took the pregnancy test, she received the news of Paul’s grandfather’s passing. “When the test was positive, I just felt like it was meant to be. People say that when someone dies, a new baby comes, and I felt as though Louis was a gift from Paul’s grandad,” she says.
Reflecting on their long and arduous journey, Gemma shares the deep emotions she still feels when she looks back at the pain of infertility. “There was a time when the thought of never becoming a mother was destroying me inside. Now, every day I feel so lucky. I have always wanted to be a mum—it’s always been my dream job.”
Despite the joy that her children bring, Gemma acknowledges that the emotional scars of infertility don’t completely disappear. “I’m not sure you ever feel ‘emotionally cured’ from infertility,” she says. “But now, I am so grateful for my family. Every day is a gift.”
Gemma’s story is a powerful reminder of the emotional toll that infertility can take, and the importance of mental health support for individuals and couples on their fertility journey. By sharing her experience, she hopes to encourage others to speak openly about their struggles and find the support they need to cope. “Infertility is tough, but with the right support, you can make it through,” she concludes.
For many, the path to parenthood is not straightforward, but as Gemma’s story illustrates, perseverance, hope, and a supportive network can make all the difference.
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